Everyone Reads Everyone Loves

There have been longer more prolonged absences
perhaps for different reasons and the reason this time
has been a good one.
A good one
thats right I said it.
You want to know what is going on with me?
I graduated cum laude with a masters degree in
Comparative Literature.
There was a time-- a very short time ago,
a time where I was at the most precarious
state of being I can remember.
I felt nothing and
I felt like I was doing nothing.
I confronted the idea that I might not finish my degree
and I had never experienced the fear of not accomplishing
something.
When I put my mind to something I do it plain and simple
but finishing my degree was fraught
with great egomaniacal difficulty.
I sabotage.
I sabotaged my life wallowing
in self destruction because at least it would be me inflicting pain
on myself and for me somehow in my demented mind felt that
it was better to do it to myself then have someone else do it.
I now have decided to flush that mentality down the toilet.
Because it is riddled with circular logic
a type of thinking that is reductive and un-progressive.
I cannot live my life destroying myself.
I cannot live my life in fear of putting myself out there.
I cannot live my life afraid of loving myself and loving someone else.

Part 2:
I met someone.
I didnt want to write about it because I felt like if I did
I would somehow sabotage it.
I felt like if I were to write down how I never thought
I could feel this way again
it would dissipate before I would wake up the next day.
I felt like the second I would write the joy in love
that somehow I would have been wrong
and that it would all come down
crashing and burning.
But I must rid myself of this thinking to move forward.
His name is Chris and it is less about him or me and more
about us together I believe.
Chris inspires me to write him love notes and leave them
scattered throughout his apartment for him
to find randomly.
He inspires me to be content at this transitional time in my life.
In fact I cannot remember the last time I have been content.
I think about Chris all the time and I like it.
I save his messages and read them over again and smile.
I love to kiss him
and I love how many different kisses he gives me.
I love our long gazing looks that speak so deeply
without saying anything.
I love feeling his body next to mine even if it is only
a light brush up against my arm or the touch of our hands together.
I love watching him
and I like it when he watches me.
Oh how I wonder what he thinks!
Indeed it is tres difficile to understand.
He has got me wired.
I like that I am certain about him.
For me, I am done looking
and I never expected to feel this way.
Sometimes we meet people in life that when you encounter them
the connection is already at an advanced level before you even
exchange names--a force greater then our brains
are capable of understanding
but it is positive and exciting and waiting to be unfolded...
That is how i feel with Chris
it keeps getting better and better and it feels so right.
And for the first time in a long time
I am basking in the good
taking my time enjoying the better path
I have chosen and have been working
so hard to get at and maintain and hopefully this will continue
and I can be that person I want to be.

Although it was and still is fairly cool
and gray, I dotn feel entirely cool and gray.
A step up.
I cant say that I had a bad day yesterday
I worked on my french paper
I watched the basketball game for a bit
and the baseball game which I had to bail on
because I cannot watch my team suck so bad
we have no offense and Kevin Towers that
cheap bastard might receive a letter from me
in hand writing.
Then, I went out to dinner at a new restaurant with
Melissa and we had a lovely time and of course it was
expensive because I seem to always do that
and then we came back to my house watched some boob tube
and I was in bed by ten.
At dinner she expressed that she was envious of my freedom
and I think about that a lot in the exact opposite way
I have too many options and not enough of a burning desire
to do anything but I suppose I am really open
for what ever comes my way and if it seems like an opportunity
well I would sure go for it.

The anxiety is underwhelming
I feel terrific.
I never over eat.
I am thin and beautiful.
I am smart and have NO problems.
I dont have a good job because I dont want one.
I am so not worried about all the money I dont have
and that in a month I will be broke and need to earn 2000
just to pay my bills and my student loans
NO PROBLEM
That sounds terrific. I love a good challenge.
Again, I have no anxiety.
Okay, Okay.
Calm down.

My love, I am sorry
I dont know what to say because I am wrapped
up and wired in the proximity of change and a bleak future.
I know it seems like I can do what ever I want and I can
I only wish I knew what I wanted to do.
I am scared to have another job I will hate.
I am scared I will not be able to pay all the bills I have.
I feel totally irresponsible with money and that is all going to
be more real than real in a very very short time.
I am lonely.
I dont know what to do with myself and I have all this greatness
inside that yearns to get out and I keep it in.
I know I should be positive but I dont like my life and
I dont really know what to do about it
Maybe after I turn in my french paper and present my paper
at the ACLA conference I will feel better.
At least I have you in my life

You are the best

The sun shone bright
The air blew soft and fresh
The sky was clear with a touch of whiteness
I walked to the beach to
that place that makes me whole
I sat down in the sand and nestled my feet
I sat there contemplating the good
things there are
Although, it is hard to see at times and overwhelming
I have to believe it will all work out.
I looked out at the horizon
for it just is.
Contemplating life with surroundings
that just are and dont think
bring it back to real.
I need to get through this last thrust
of stress and anxiety to burst through
to some thign new and wonderful....
If I were to pray it would be now
and it would be to the french gods for
instilling me with guidance and knowledge to finish
this paper.

My ASSSignment

Although I am finding it extremely difficult to
be positive and happy as my wonderful directed
whom I love dearly directed me
I am sure as heckfie going to try.
I am on meds again.
So I am aware that conquering the emotional
paralysis and complete disengagement with making my life
better is not happening and something needs to happen
so I am on meds. I thought
long and hard about doing this for obvious reasons
One being I manipulate shrinks for uppers
and although I geared the diagnosis that way in the end
I did not push the issue...
I would say that is indeed positive.
I have started my french paper
I have the title and some of the opening paragraph.
It is entitled Traverser la rhetorique: La COntradiciotn dans le Manifesto du surrealisme
I did research yesterday and I am on my way to the lib after
this to do some more and write. 15 pages in french. YIKES.
And I thought my thesis was hard. Ha.
Hindsight 50/50.
So ever so slowly slowly slowly
I am doing some thing
and I am simply trying to take baby steps and not look beyond
finishing my french paper.
that is it for now.

Dead End Boys and Dusty Pianos

I have had my grandmother's piano since I was a child
I have moved with it where ever I go
never playing it
but never letting it go.
I like it. It reminds me of time immemorial. It keeps me connected
to something and someone but how long will I keep holding on to something
that slowly is slipping through that time immemorial grasp.
Its meaning has been changed so often that meaning is lost
and I move with the piano
out of habit.

How do you know when you are truly ready for change?
Most of the time trying to hard aint gonna bring that change.
Usually, like most things of course, it is when you least expect it
or "simply dont have the time" (cough, bullshit)
Or change happens while you're living life in all its doldrums
It could be at the grocery store picking out the granny smith apples
It could happen sipping a glass of wine
Picking up your dry cleaning, watching something on the tele
Talking to your friend or mother, taking a shower
Or maybe the seed has been planted for quite some time
and suddenly bursts through the rich soil over night.
It is like for so long you are standing at the intersection
it is a red light that aint going to green.
But all you have to do is walk a little ways
to push the button at the crosswalk
or just fucking cross the street
But for quite some time, you wait staring
at the light waiting for IT to change when all the while you can change.
You need to make a decision. If you wait long enough
the desire for change will push you to take action.
The action to finally make/take a difficult decision
is there inside all the time,
mulling,
mulling,
growing,
thinking...
rationally you know what the best thing
to do for all parties involved
but ahh, then there is the heart.
The heart and the brain clash when considering love.
Love is the driving force of life--the gas that doesnt cost 4 bucks a gallon.
The reason we are all here.
Love also makes us irrational
incapable of doing what is best
because in a relationship we want/hope love will prevail.
If there is an ounce of love there, we hold on to the belief.
that the wrongs will be righted.
Deep down inside, the more evolved, self aware person
knows, and I mean really knows you cant change anyone
--knows what they have to do but
patterns are hard to break and that ounce of love is hard to escape.
Sometimes, it is easier to try to make the other person angry
sabotage the ounce of love or else the fights beget make ups
and make ups keep the couple together until the one time
the same fight breaks out and a different decision is made.
Relationships are hard to save when people
are growing apart like tectonic plates.
The past makes us who we are
We often urge those whom we love to relinquish our
bad fathers or mothers or what ever baggage that we endured
in our youth
But why?
Why not learn to use that to make us better people
better in a relationship
self aware to the point of action
to the point of actually making a difficult fucking decision
because somebody needs to take the dys out of function
and know when to shake off those dead end boys
and dusty pianos

Too Hot in the Hot Tub
Hot tub too hot
Remember that SNL skit?
mee too
fuunnny
Here is what is not funny.
i am sick.
I feel like poop
and I aint writing cause I hate myself
what else is new.
I watched like 3 really bad movies today
Sweeney Todd
POOOP
The invasion
and I dont even fuckign remember the other one
I made an appt.
to get meds
cause I cant take the train out of funky town
I dont even know where to fucking wait in line for that shiz
I have had many a moment where I thought
of many things I would write in this cyber space
but failed to
I need love in my life
And I know I know if you are depressed blahblah blah
that is what you will attract
Oh YEAH?
Oh yeah
well then tell me why whenever I go out peeps
always ask me if I am this happy
so I guess the secret should be called The Shit
in the most derogatory sense.